Dado

I seem to be disappearing bit by bit, every day, every minute. I am aware of it; I am not sure if anyone else can see that and I am not sure will she ever know that. I am not sure if that now matter.
I have started a blog, a week ago and than deleted it. I deleted because I taught, I will also delete a memory of her, but that does not work that way. I realised, this is the only way I can eventually reach her, talk with her and despite I cancelled my chemotherapy treatment; this is a sort of life line for me. I can’t talk with her, I can’t send emails to her and of course, I can’t see her.
I have no curage to do it openly; because of her…because of me…and people around us, because, I am afraid they will not be able to understand the circumstances, our age difference and my terminal illness without judging her or me…or us but somehow I have to say loudly as I can - how much I miss her and how much I love her.
I can’t keep all my emotions in me, because they are bursting. This is, no matter how it my sound funny, the only way I can talk with her and maybe help myself. I have no clue will she ever open this pages, read and understand what’s going on, definitely I am not writing for anyone’s sympathy or some understanding.
The English language is not my first language and I do not have her to go trough the text and correct it, and I do not trust my writings (and feelings) to anybody else, so it will be as it is – very confused, maybe pathetic but it will be me as I am at the moment and will be for a long time.
Her and my name is not important. We have our nicknames, given to each other as our secret and don’t ask for more, I can’t say more than that, I don’t want to expose her, because after all she have a right to be private and I hope – to be happy no matter what I think of her present situation and why she is in it.
All I have at the moment is an illusive hope, how all between us is one big, painful misunderstanding and after while, she will understand what all is about, but as I said; this is an illusive hope and I have nothing else to hang on. Yes, I am a man, and they are not supposed to cry, they are supposed to go on and move on and be a man. I see all this differently, despite almost every one will tell me the very same thing; she is not the only one at this world. That is maybe a truth for most of you, but for me she was the anchor to this world - I loved her and I love her.
I will write this, trying to find why and how and despite that will not change much (if anything at all); it might bring a sort of closure for her for me or maybe for us.
I had another long night behind me.

Next post – Monday/Tuesday