Dado – The treatment

Since I stop my treatment, I (think) start seeing more clearly what’s going around me and in me. Questions are popping up on the surface, without clear answer leading me toward relief or closure. Very often, I am wondering why I think and feel this way. Is my love toward her an illusion of weak a man who likes to produce dreams and than look for some miracle to make them real. Did I build her image without any connections with reality around us or is all what have happened in the past (our split) a great set of misunderstanding and miscommunications? Do I pity myself and hang on something that does not exist at all? Is she so immerse in her needs that she does not see what’s going around her or she to frighten/unwilling now to reverse any of her steps because of mistakes she done in the past and she don’t want to repeat something done to me with some one else. The questions still popping up, more and more. It’s not easy. On the other hand, I think I know her. I can explain why she acted the way she acted in some situations. She is nice, but also a bit insecure person (we all are more or less), who needs a constant assurances and something to hold on, no matter how short that will be and consequently not able to see how that is not a right solution, as that relationship she has at the moment. She always had some plans for us. She wanted a gala wedding ceremony, I did not mind what kind of ceremony it will be longest we are happy. She wanted me to move to her place. I was afraid to do that because I will expose all my pain and consequence of the treatment. I did not trust in her abilities to accept the grimness of my illness. I was in some kind of semi hiding, keep asking, almost begging - give me some time, I need to get out of the treatment and start to be normal.
I did want marry her, but I wanted to feel better, especially because I had sings of improvement and stoped spiting a blood during the nights. I told her that I will move at her place at beginning of the 2007 when my daughters will move out so we can leave the house. She did not understand my uneasiness because of the conditions, and my fear of her seeing me with blood splattered over my face and my irregular vomiting. It’s not a pleasant picture. I did not want that our marriage ceremony finish as a bloody disaster. I was afraid to go out with her, I told her about it, but she did not listen, she taught that I am avoiding her, closing myself. Part of that was a true, but when you are in the hospital you share life stories of people around you. They start to be a part of me and when you noticed someone is missing…than you ask yourself are you the next. The fear is sometimes everything what you have through the day. No hope, no smile and you can’t see the reality of people around you. I am sorry.
I think, I told already that during the day, I am more or less fine; I could work almost without big problems. I had nausea sometimes and after treatments, sometimes I will come very pale. My colleagues are noticed the change. I also lost a lot of my weight and I did not talk with them as much I was in the past, but in this society almost everyone mind his own business and don’t care much about others, longest it does not interrupt or obstacle their lives. No matter how that is bad thing, it suited me well. No real questions asked. I don’t know how long I will be able to work. Probably for a next few months, maybe month or two longer…and than…I don’t know. I will finish in a hospital for good and that will be the end.Usually I will meet her toward the end of the day. At that time of the day I was almost out of any strength. I hardly could talk, walk and all I wanted is to lay and hug her, embracing myself in her. Sometime, later during the evening, we will passionately make love. It was painful and reliving at same time and after she will go for home. I will stay in bed, sometime on verge of crying because of pain and the fear of what will tomorrow bring. Very often I couldn’t do much, all I wanted is listen her voice and feel her presence around me. Nothing else. I am so confused without real answer in me. I just don’t want to continue this way anymore.

Next post – Monday/Tuesday