Dado - Crystal

It is hard to write about own past, without asking – could you do things differently if you have another chance. Do I have a hope? Yes, I do. Do I have any chances that she will come back – very, very slim, almost impossible! So, why I have that hope? Maybe because I love her, maybe because I think that her present relationship is a runaway from problems I presented her with my illness and she will realise that.

We have always argued about spirituality and what that should be or what that is. I am talking about the new age spiritual movement and all other things related to that. I have some knowledge about things related to that area of spiritualty, and also some abilities to recognise and sense things; abilities to help others to pinpoint their bad spots and also cure some illness (or unbalances how “professionals” describe that), but when come to myself I was blinded/blocked with my feelings, expectations and desire to protect her, so I was not able to see what’s going on in me. These one who have that ability will understand how it’s hard to exclude your own projections.
I am not talking about illness per se, but about how I reacted to it and closed myself. I was not willing to show and share the pain. Life must go on – it was my motto but also, I was ashamed of tubes around me and people with pain who shared a same room in the hospital during the treatment sessions. I taught it will scare her because she was looking for stability and security, and these rooms, and these sessions can’t offer something like that. She did not understand that, and she was not able to recognise my fear and I was not able to do more.I never used my gift to heal or see some things for a wider circle. I only used it for my closest family members, for her and her parents; because I was never sure if this is a sort of placebo or this is real me and love for other person and whatever comes out of that.
For me (spirituality) it was a quite different thing than for her. I did not like buying some crystals to enhance your happiness, health, or make your place better place to live in. I always argued with her, if you don’t have “crystal” in yourself; there is nothing outside to give you anything else than illusion. You have to work on yourself, and make yourself “a crystal”, to avoid an illusion and not live in the fake reality of your dreams, as maybe I am doing now and not being fully aware of it.I do believe in love and will always believe. Ability to love is the best gift you can have. I am not talking about physical love and/or having a sex. That’s a part of it and no matter how beautiful it is (and it was with her), it shouldn’t be the main source of relationship. I can remember making love with her and joy of being with her, but the biggest joy for me was always and will be a simple hug with warm smile when I see her. That hug and that smile kept me alive for the first two years of illness. I do not pray. Maybe I should, but I always believed that everyone have an ultimate responsibility toward others and self. Believing in something is nice thing, it makes your life easier, but on the very end, there is no one else to carry the burden than self. I have decided to stop my treatment because I do not see any point with proceeding with it. Nothing will change my mind, apart of her return, but as I said, it is highly unlikely. I know this is sort of slow suicide; you can call it what ever you want – a runaway, cowardice or something third, and I won’t argue with any of it, but this is my decision because at least, I can choose my end. Writing this, I am not looking for any support to stay alive, believe me that. I told her in the one of our last conversations, how I will not proceed with my treatments because she is not with me, than I realised – that can be an emotional blackmail, so I never, ever mention it again. There is no one else who should know this anyway. There is silence in me, only occasionally interrupted with some illusive hope and beautiful memories. It rain outside.

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