Yesterday I had a good question from my younger daughter – Can you forget and stop loving her? I am not sure if I can, keep asking myself – why she is so present, despite not being around. Did she leave such imprint so I am not able to erase it? It’s now more than 3 months since last time I saw her and more than two weeks how I stoped my treatment. This is not like a movie and she will not change her mind in the last minute and run toward me in tears. I think I know that, but probably deep in me I am hoping for something else…because she is in me, the million dollar question is am I at all in her.
Two weeks ago was “our anniversary” – a five years since we shared the very first kiss. I can remember how it was, were it was and I will never forget it. This was not a schoolboy kiss, I had quite a few lovers, but there was no one as her. I can brag endlessly about what used to make me happy being with her. Probably not be able to pick the most important thing because all of them hold something unique as her smile when she greeted me. Talking about her or writing in this case; makes me happy and sad in same time. I know it’s so confusing.
My daughters do not live with me all the time (anymore), but they are most of the time in contact with me and they care about what’s going on. I am telling them all the time; I will be fine and I am feeling already much better putting the best smile I can. I don’t know do they believe me. I have removed most of the stuff related to her presence, but I can’t remove all and it’s not stuff what relates to her, it’s me.
Tomorrow I will have to go to the hospital to sign some papers related to my treatment and stoping it. It’ want be pleasant, I have some friends there and despite the atmosphere, I miss some of them, especially Mike who have a new born baby and who knows; he will never take her to the school.
I know what I am doing. I know where I am going, but I still don’t know when I will reach the final and the peace.
Next post – Thursday/Friday
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