Being a patient in Australian hospitals (probably elsewhere is same if not worse) is the best way to be treated as a file. A file with name, date of birth, emergency contacts, your home address and short history of illness filed with a pile of reports all that without you as a human. My appearance is European, as is my accent and that means you will be asked same question for a few times, just to avoid any kind of liability for the hospital. One wrong step or information and you have to start almost from the very beginning. I do not have a problem with that, its part of life. By the time, I started repeating my answers for a few times just to speed up the procedure. My origin and my health condition entitled me for a language translator, but I never used one. There is no need, I can understand every bit of my situation and I have signed all necessary papers, withholding any kind of hospital responsibilities toward me. They are now secure and I am grateful for all help given by the hospital staff. Thank you all.
I said, we had “our fifth anniversary” two weeks ago. That has passed as very sad event for me. I am sure that she was aware of the date. Every year she will give me a present together with a small card – prising my love. She was excellent when come to packing/wrapping a presents and writing a messages. The packaging was very important for her. She will search for the right wrapping paper and a card to accompany the gift. The messages were written with a sort of fountain pen, green colour, with a big old fashion letters, always about how good I am, how she is happy to be with me – pledging the eternity. By the time I start building an impression that for her is almost more important how the package looks like, more than what is in the package. Sometimes that has made me uneasy. A few times I have mentioned my impressions, but she strongly denied that importance. I never manage to get rid of that impression; you can’t see every bit of self in the mirror, but someone else can, like it or not. For me a gift was a token of something I carry for that person, not necessary related to the particular date or event, better if spontaneously found in some store and given to the person as it is. I remember buying a picture for her…and I did not mind wrapping something very, very big, I just protect it for the transport. She was happy with the painting, later, a day or two, she said it will be nice if I wrapped the presents because then they looks much better. Maybe she is right, I don’t know. Maybe I am not as sophisticated as she is. I can’t wrap my feelings and my situations to look better, no matter how I tried; maybe she will know the way.
In a few weeks time, she will have her thirties birthday and I am not sure should I send a card, a flowers or nothing at all. I think, no matter what I say, I will send something, without any message, just as a gift for her birthday. I will not do this as reminder that I am still around, but as a token for her future. It’s pain that I can’t give her that in the person. If I do that, her boyfriend will have another excuse to verbally improve his ego standing, and she will stand silent. I do not think, and I will never think, involving him in our affairs, was a fair thing to do. That’s the reason why I am not contacting you anymore. Very wrong Dado. I will keep all our moments out of him, because they belong only to us, and I think you know what I am talking about. There is no need for more nastiness in our lives. Be happy, but not on someone else expense. I forgive you; because I know you. You are not a bad person; you just don’t know what to do when you are under the pressure, you will follow the very first advice no matter if good or bad, trusting someone who has sometime very selfish stake in it.
No physical pain at the moment, just echoes of the past. My daughters went with their boyfriends/partners for a five day trip. I hope they will have a good time. They deserve every moment of happiness.
Next post – Friday/Saturday
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