Dado - Mistakes

It’s funny, since I stop the treatment I am feeling much better, there is no pain, but I also know this is a passing stage until it will start to be deadly serious. My daughters now have their own life, both of them in a steady relationship and they look very happy. I did not tell them about my decision. I don’t have heart to ruin their happiness with all my problems. They know that I split with Dado and how it was hard for me. At one stage, the older one went and called her, asking her to talk with me. I did not initiate the call. Dado told her that it won’t be wise. I have to go through it and our conversation won’t help at all. I understand that logic and she might be right, but on the other hand I was saddened by her refusal and felt more than ever pushed aside. Alone. There are moments when you have to act with your heart and not with rationality. I am not sure if this is a selfish reasoning but I feel that way.
A few days later, by mistake I fire up 7-8 blank SMS messages to her. My telephone was unlocked and somehow in the period of one hour the messages went on. I was not aware of that. Than I got a call from her mobile, but it was not her who were calling, it was him almost yelling on me to stop sending a messages. I was shocked, shaken and I did know what to say apart of repeating – that was a mistake, that was a mistake. He went on and on – do you understand, you have to stop calling her. I felt so embarrassed and humiliated because of no intended mistake.
I did call her three times on her mobile, and maybe half dozen time at her office since we split, but I stoped it realising there is no good in it – for her and for me. I send her also a dozen emails…telling her how I feel and how I miss her and stoped that too. She did reply, but mostly acknowledging how hard it is, also asking me to stop contacting her at all. I wish I did not send anything or called her, but in the first two weeks I was so bad; my pain from my illness and therapy was very hard, all compound with desperation of being without her. I hardly could do something rational; I was acting by broken heart. I am not trying to defend myself. I am sure most of us will do similar things and stop on some stage. I needed so badly to be in any kind of contact with her (as I am today), but you can’t go on endlessly with one way communication. That week I took time of from the office, trying to calm down but it was not to be, because on the top of everything I start receiving emails with her name on the sender account, telling me how she loves me, how she wants to talk with me. I am not sure who sending these emails, but must be some very nasty and sick person. There are not so many who know what’s going on – I think it’s someone very close. I did not react for two weeks, than I send her copies of these emails, telling her that I know that she is not a person who sending them, but she have to be aware what’s going on. Than, again, an hour later, he called for a second time. This time he threatens me with police if I send another email, or contact her anyhow. What really hearts me is – that call was done with her knowledge and I can’t forget him yelling on me with a trace of triumph in his voice...and she was standing somewhere close. What were you are thinking at that moment Dado? That’s was not fair Dado. I can understand that guy. He feels threatened and he pushed her to react -any way. I don’t know will I do something different? Probably I will not call that person, but I will urge her to finish whatever it is, as I done in the past with her ex boyfriend and that lasted for a long, long time. I don’t think there is a place for him to do things like that. That is not a protections of someone for whom you care, this is a solidifying your positions with her using someone else.
So, why she did it? I think she can be sometime very irrational when she is under the pressure or when she is scared or pushed. She tends leaving to someone else to do what she is supposed to do. Anyway I don’t think that was fair from her, I do not deserve to be treated as some stalker because I was never. I also know when she calms down she will realise that was not a way to do it. I am not mad on her. No, we all do mistakes and because of mistakes I am writing this instead of being somewhere else.
I don’t have any contact with her, not because what he said, but because she allowed him to do that, and I still receiving this nasty emails…almost every second day. I hope that person will one day realise and stop sending it, because there is no fun for anyone. There is a new one on my screen – I love you.

Next post – Tuesday/Wednesday