Dado - can't reach you

She prayed – it wasn’t my religion
She ate – it was not my food
She spoke – it wasn’t my language
She dressed – it wasn’t what I wore
She took my hand – it wasn’t the color of mine
But when she laughed – it was how I laughed
And when she cried – it was how I cried

There are wounds that do not heal with time. I am sure about that. Sometimes they are less painful, sometimes they overwhelm you and sometimes they are in hiding, waiting for the right moment to surface. I couldn’t sleep last night because she was present, she was there, but I couldn’t reach her.
After so many years together, she starts to be a part of me, like my eyes, hands and being without her I do not feel complete. I feel like amputated, missing a vital part of me and on the other hand, I know these one who were amputated can feel their missing part for the rest of their life. I think I can understand myself why I am giving up and why I can’t forget her. Saying she is part of me, I know it sounds so dramatic, but those one of you who had that feeling of love, will understand the pure meaning of that word. I do believe, if you really love someone, than you are not able to forget that person, even if that person is now with someone else, and it does not matter why and how break up happen. I can’t hate, I can put myself aside, I can be angry as most of us, but that does not last long. That is not part of me.
I was always sure how I will be among this one who will manage to get out and stay alive; because of her and my resilience. Every week there were some new faces and awareness of missing ones. I have been in so many lives through the treatment, stories of hope, love and despiser. Always, always I have tried to encourage my fellow sufferers. For me, the exit was somewhere, not sure where, but it was there and I was going toward it without clearly seeing it. I was going toward her
The path was not clear and my mood was not always good. I did not want to share my pain and fear. I taught I will put away her because she will be scared and not able to see our future. The late signs were good and I start opening toward her but it was late. Now they call that something as – Chemotherapy fog – but I think it is far more complex than this initial finding. I am not looking for excuse. I am looking for the answer I do not have, and I can’t reach her.
When I started my treatment three years ago, for the first time I start realising the full meanings of Dante’s words - Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate. Now, when it’s too late, I can accept and fully understand this quote.

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