It’s almost two months since I start receiving very short emails from someone under her name. They are almost same – I love you, I miss you, talk to me…and so on. I do not understand that person. You must be very sick to enjoy something like that.
A few weeks ago were our “fifth anniversary”, anniversary of our first kiss.
We were supposed to go on a picnic on Saturday morning, two days after we chat for the first time. I was waiting for her to come by and pick me up around 10. It was almost 11 when I heard nocking on my door. I knew who is nocking. She was pure smile. I invited her in but she did not want to come in, so I took my blanket, I have prepared a long time ago and the book I was reading at the moment. We went toward her car not talking at all, just smiling to each other. I was like a school boy on his first date, not knowing what to do, not knowing what to say but extremely happy to be with her. She did not hide her happiness too.We diced to spend some time in the park, near the river, not far from the place I used to live. I knew that park very well, because I went there quite often and usually there are not many people at that time of the day. I hoped she will like the place. It was nice sunny day, very warm for the beginning of May. After short walk we found the place and she spread the blanket. I set next to her and looking in her eyes I said to myself – For a long time I wanted this to happen. She blushed… and I said – I am sorry, I did won’t make you uncomfortable. I did not realise for the moment what I said, but than we started laughing. We were again talking about everything; life, love, politics, religion, everything under the sun, occasionally looking in some newsmagazines she had with. The time went on, and I am not sure how much time passed, probably a hour or two before I took her hand. She did not mind. We were seating like that for a minute, silent and than I leaned toward her and give her a kiss. I know she closed her eyes, and I did. The world was mine. I can’t forget that moment. I am not good writer and I will never be. I have no skills to describe the joy and fulfilling of the moment but as I said – I will carry that moment for ever.
Next post – Friday/Saturday
22 May 2007
19 May 2007
Dado - me
This morning I went through my posts, looking at myself and all I can found is a big confusion and sort of self-pitying. I am writing these lines to free myself from the past, but on other hand I do not see the future. I’d like to make my life easier finding some answers without accusing anyone because we are so different and. our expectations can be far beyond any reality. On the very end, this will be always my story, my view, without her telling her part and make it as a real picture.
When I met Dado, I knew it will be hard (but not impossible) to balance two of us despite so obvious mutual attraction. The friends (a very few we had) always said how obvious and genuine is our affection but I wonder if we had a totally different foundation for it, and if that was a source of all “misunderstanding”. I have now a plenty of time to think, especially because I am not dizzy from the treatment and I can put some situations and events in much clear perspective (?). It’s not nice digging through your own past and look at it from the distance; especially if present is not nice. When I look at myself, I was always idealistic, romantic, more inside than outside man. I think I was always ready to give not asking much in return if at all. This might look as self-gratification but now I am not selling myself to anybody and there is nothing I can change if I paint a rosy or dark picture of her or of me. For most of my life I was not in charge of my own destiny. There is no point to count everything. I always tried to pull out the very best from any situations. I become an immigrant without desire (without any option not to go), but I start building a new life without grunge. By myself, I raise my two daughters and you who were solo parents without any help from the family; you will know and understand what I am talking about, but I am blessed with them. My culture, my background and my way of thinking does not allowed me to share everything with my daughters. My life might be a bit easier if I do something like that, but on other hand, their life will be much harder and I do not see any reason for that.
She grows up in full family, sometimes unhappy with her father, but with their full support. She has living a life of her own, since she start the University, having a few relationships. These relationships lasted for a few years, finishing because she couldn’t find enough security in her partners/boyfriends. I can only wonder, will things will be different if I wasn’t sick.
Next post – Monday/Tuesday
When I met Dado, I knew it will be hard (but not impossible) to balance two of us despite so obvious mutual attraction. The friends (a very few we had) always said how obvious and genuine is our affection but I wonder if we had a totally different foundation for it, and if that was a source of all “misunderstanding”. I have now a plenty of time to think, especially because I am not dizzy from the treatment and I can put some situations and events in much clear perspective (?). It’s not nice digging through your own past and look at it from the distance; especially if present is not nice. When I look at myself, I was always idealistic, romantic, more inside than outside man. I think I was always ready to give not asking much in return if at all. This might look as self-gratification but now I am not selling myself to anybody and there is nothing I can change if I paint a rosy or dark picture of her or of me. For most of my life I was not in charge of my own destiny. There is no point to count everything. I always tried to pull out the very best from any situations. I become an immigrant without desire (without any option not to go), but I start building a new life without grunge. By myself, I raise my two daughters and you who were solo parents without any help from the family; you will know and understand what I am talking about, but I am blessed with them. My culture, my background and my way of thinking does not allowed me to share everything with my daughters. My life might be a bit easier if I do something like that, but on other hand, their life will be much harder and I do not see any reason for that.
She grows up in full family, sometimes unhappy with her father, but with their full support. She has living a life of her own, since she start the University, having a few relationships. These relationships lasted for a few years, finishing because she couldn’t find enough security in her partners/boyfriends. I can only wonder, will things will be different if I wasn’t sick.
Next post – Monday/Tuesday
17 May 2007
Dado – wrapping her gifts
Being a patient in Australian hospitals (probably elsewhere is same if not worse) is the best way to be treated as a file. A file with name, date of birth, emergency contacts, your home address and short history of illness filed with a pile of reports all that without you as a human. My appearance is European, as is my accent and that means you will be asked same question for a few times, just to avoid any kind of liability for the hospital. One wrong step or information and you have to start almost from the very beginning. I do not have a problem with that, its part of life. By the time, I started repeating my answers for a few times just to speed up the procedure. My origin and my health condition entitled me for a language translator, but I never used one. There is no need, I can understand every bit of my situation and I have signed all necessary papers, withholding any kind of hospital responsibilities toward me. They are now secure and I am grateful for all help given by the hospital staff. Thank you all.
I said, we had “our fifth anniversary” two weeks ago. That has passed as very sad event for me. I am sure that she was aware of the date. Every year she will give me a present together with a small card – prising my love. She was excellent when come to packing/wrapping a presents and writing a messages. The packaging was very important for her. She will search for the right wrapping paper and a card to accompany the gift. The messages were written with a sort of fountain pen, green colour, with a big old fashion letters, always about how good I am, how she is happy to be with me – pledging the eternity. By the time I start building an impression that for her is almost more important how the package looks like, more than what is in the package. Sometimes that has made me uneasy. A few times I have mentioned my impressions, but she strongly denied that importance. I never manage to get rid of that impression; you can’t see every bit of self in the mirror, but someone else can, like it or not. For me a gift was a token of something I carry for that person, not necessary related to the particular date or event, better if spontaneously found in some store and given to the person as it is. I remember buying a picture for her…and I did not mind wrapping something very, very big, I just protect it for the transport. She was happy with the painting, later, a day or two, she said it will be nice if I wrapped the presents because then they looks much better. Maybe she is right, I don’t know. Maybe I am not as sophisticated as she is. I can’t wrap my feelings and my situations to look better, no matter how I tried; maybe she will know the way.
In a few weeks time, she will have her thirties birthday and I am not sure should I send a card, a flowers or nothing at all. I think, no matter what I say, I will send something, without any message, just as a gift for her birthday. I will not do this as reminder that I am still around, but as a token for her future. It’s pain that I can’t give her that in the person. If I do that, her boyfriend will have another excuse to verbally improve his ego standing, and she will stand silent. I do not think, and I will never think, involving him in our affairs, was a fair thing to do. That’s the reason why I am not contacting you anymore. Very wrong Dado. I will keep all our moments out of him, because they belong only to us, and I think you know what I am talking about. There is no need for more nastiness in our lives. Be happy, but not on someone else expense. I forgive you; because I know you. You are not a bad person; you just don’t know what to do when you are under the pressure, you will follow the very first advice no matter if good or bad, trusting someone who has sometime very selfish stake in it.
No physical pain at the moment, just echoes of the past. My daughters went with their boyfriends/partners for a five day trip. I hope they will have a good time. They deserve every moment of happiness.
Next post – Friday/Saturday
I said, we had “our fifth anniversary” two weeks ago. That has passed as very sad event for me. I am sure that she was aware of the date. Every year she will give me a present together with a small card – prising my love. She was excellent when come to packing/wrapping a presents and writing a messages. The packaging was very important for her. She will search for the right wrapping paper and a card to accompany the gift. The messages were written with a sort of fountain pen, green colour, with a big old fashion letters, always about how good I am, how she is happy to be with me – pledging the eternity. By the time I start building an impression that for her is almost more important how the package looks like, more than what is in the package. Sometimes that has made me uneasy. A few times I have mentioned my impressions, but she strongly denied that importance. I never manage to get rid of that impression; you can’t see every bit of self in the mirror, but someone else can, like it or not. For me a gift was a token of something I carry for that person, not necessary related to the particular date or event, better if spontaneously found in some store and given to the person as it is. I remember buying a picture for her…and I did not mind wrapping something very, very big, I just protect it for the transport. She was happy with the painting, later, a day or two, she said it will be nice if I wrapped the presents because then they looks much better. Maybe she is right, I don’t know. Maybe I am not as sophisticated as she is. I can’t wrap my feelings and my situations to look better, no matter how I tried; maybe she will know the way.
In a few weeks time, she will have her thirties birthday and I am not sure should I send a card, a flowers or nothing at all. I think, no matter what I say, I will send something, without any message, just as a gift for her birthday. I will not do this as reminder that I am still around, but as a token for her future. It’s pain that I can’t give her that in the person. If I do that, her boyfriend will have another excuse to verbally improve his ego standing, and she will stand silent. I do not think, and I will never think, involving him in our affairs, was a fair thing to do. That’s the reason why I am not contacting you anymore. Very wrong Dado. I will keep all our moments out of him, because they belong only to us, and I think you know what I am talking about. There is no need for more nastiness in our lives. Be happy, but not on someone else expense. I forgive you; because I know you. You are not a bad person; you just don’t know what to do when you are under the pressure, you will follow the very first advice no matter if good or bad, trusting someone who has sometime very selfish stake in it.
No physical pain at the moment, just echoes of the past. My daughters went with their boyfriends/partners for a five day trip. I hope they will have a good time. They deserve every moment of happiness.
Next post – Friday/Saturday
16 May 2007
Dado – deep in me
Yesterday I had a good question from my younger daughter – Can you forget and stop loving her? I am not sure if I can, keep asking myself – why she is so present, despite not being around. Did she leave such imprint so I am not able to erase it? It’s now more than 3 months since last time I saw her and more than two weeks how I stoped my treatment. This is not like a movie and she will not change her mind in the last minute and run toward me in tears. I think I know that, but probably deep in me I am hoping for something else…because she is in me, the million dollar question is am I at all in her.
Two weeks ago was “our anniversary” – a five years since we shared the very first kiss. I can remember how it was, were it was and I will never forget it. This was not a schoolboy kiss, I had quite a few lovers, but there was no one as her. I can brag endlessly about what used to make me happy being with her. Probably not be able to pick the most important thing because all of them hold something unique as her smile when she greeted me. Talking about her or writing in this case; makes me happy and sad in same time. I know it’s so confusing.
My daughters do not live with me all the time (anymore), but they are most of the time in contact with me and they care about what’s going on. I am telling them all the time; I will be fine and I am feeling already much better putting the best smile I can. I don’t know do they believe me. I have removed most of the stuff related to her presence, but I can’t remove all and it’s not stuff what relates to her, it’s me.
Tomorrow I will have to go to the hospital to sign some papers related to my treatment and stoping it. It’ want be pleasant, I have some friends there and despite the atmosphere, I miss some of them, especially Mike who have a new born baby and who knows; he will never take her to the school.
I know what I am doing. I know where I am going, but I still don’t know when I will reach the final and the peace.
Next post – Thursday/Friday
Two weeks ago was “our anniversary” – a five years since we shared the very first kiss. I can remember how it was, were it was and I will never forget it. This was not a schoolboy kiss, I had quite a few lovers, but there was no one as her. I can brag endlessly about what used to make me happy being with her. Probably not be able to pick the most important thing because all of them hold something unique as her smile when she greeted me. Talking about her or writing in this case; makes me happy and sad in same time. I know it’s so confusing.
My daughters do not live with me all the time (anymore), but they are most of the time in contact with me and they care about what’s going on. I am telling them all the time; I will be fine and I am feeling already much better putting the best smile I can. I don’t know do they believe me. I have removed most of the stuff related to her presence, but I can’t remove all and it’s not stuff what relates to her, it’s me.
Tomorrow I will have to go to the hospital to sign some papers related to my treatment and stoping it. It’ want be pleasant, I have some friends there and despite the atmosphere, I miss some of them, especially Mike who have a new born baby and who knows; he will never take her to the school.
I know what I am doing. I know where I am going, but I still don’t know when I will reach the final and the peace.
Next post – Thursday/Friday
14 May 2007
Dado - Mistakes
It’s funny, since I stop the treatment I am feeling much better, there is no pain, but I also know this is a passing stage until it will start to be deadly serious. My daughters now have their own life, both of them in a steady relationship and they look very happy. I did not tell them about my decision. I don’t have heart to ruin their happiness with all my problems. They know that I split with Dado and how it was hard for me. At one stage, the older one went and called her, asking her to talk with me. I did not initiate the call. Dado told her that it won’t be wise. I have to go through it and our conversation won’t help at all. I understand that logic and she might be right, but on the other hand I was saddened by her refusal and felt more than ever pushed aside. Alone. There are moments when you have to act with your heart and not with rationality. I am not sure if this is a selfish reasoning but I feel that way.
A few days later, by mistake I fire up 7-8 blank SMS messages to her. My telephone was unlocked and somehow in the period of one hour the messages went on. I was not aware of that. Than I got a call from her mobile, but it was not her who were calling, it was him almost yelling on me to stop sending a messages. I was shocked, shaken and I did know what to say apart of repeating – that was a mistake, that was a mistake. He went on and on – do you understand, you have to stop calling her. I felt so embarrassed and humiliated because of no intended mistake.
I did call her three times on her mobile, and maybe half dozen time at her office since we split, but I stoped it realising there is no good in it – for her and for me. I send her also a dozen emails…telling her how I feel and how I miss her and stoped that too. She did reply, but mostly acknowledging how hard it is, also asking me to stop contacting her at all. I wish I did not send anything or called her, but in the first two weeks I was so bad; my pain from my illness and therapy was very hard, all compound with desperation of being without her. I hardly could do something rational; I was acting by broken heart. I am not trying to defend myself. I am sure most of us will do similar things and stop on some stage. I needed so badly to be in any kind of contact with her (as I am today), but you can’t go on endlessly with one way communication. That week I took time of from the office, trying to calm down but it was not to be, because on the top of everything I start receiving emails with her name on the sender account, telling me how she loves me, how she wants to talk with me. I am not sure who sending these emails, but must be some very nasty and sick person. There are not so many who know what’s going on – I think it’s someone very close. I did not react for two weeks, than I send her copies of these emails, telling her that I know that she is not a person who sending them, but she have to be aware what’s going on. Than, again, an hour later, he called for a second time. This time he threatens me with police if I send another email, or contact her anyhow. What really hearts me is – that call was done with her knowledge and I can’t forget him yelling on me with a trace of triumph in his voice...and she was standing somewhere close. What were you are thinking at that moment Dado? That’s was not fair Dado. I can understand that guy. He feels threatened and he pushed her to react -any way. I don’t know will I do something different? Probably I will not call that person, but I will urge her to finish whatever it is, as I done in the past with her ex boyfriend and that lasted for a long, long time. I don’t think there is a place for him to do things like that. That is not a protections of someone for whom you care, this is a solidifying your positions with her using someone else.
So, why she did it? I think she can be sometime very irrational when she is under the pressure or when she is scared or pushed. She tends leaving to someone else to do what she is supposed to do. Anyway I don’t think that was fair from her, I do not deserve to be treated as some stalker because I was never. I also know when she calms down she will realise that was not a way to do it. I am not mad on her. No, we all do mistakes and because of mistakes I am writing this instead of being somewhere else.
I don’t have any contact with her, not because what he said, but because she allowed him to do that, and I still receiving this nasty emails…almost every second day. I hope that person will one day realise and stop sending it, because there is no fun for anyone. There is a new one on my screen – I love you.
Next post – Tuesday/Wednesday
A few days later, by mistake I fire up 7-8 blank SMS messages to her. My telephone was unlocked and somehow in the period of one hour the messages went on. I was not aware of that. Than I got a call from her mobile, but it was not her who were calling, it was him almost yelling on me to stop sending a messages. I was shocked, shaken and I did know what to say apart of repeating – that was a mistake, that was a mistake. He went on and on – do you understand, you have to stop calling her. I felt so embarrassed and humiliated because of no intended mistake.
I did call her three times on her mobile, and maybe half dozen time at her office since we split, but I stoped it realising there is no good in it – for her and for me. I send her also a dozen emails…telling her how I feel and how I miss her and stoped that too. She did reply, but mostly acknowledging how hard it is, also asking me to stop contacting her at all. I wish I did not send anything or called her, but in the first two weeks I was so bad; my pain from my illness and therapy was very hard, all compound with desperation of being without her. I hardly could do something rational; I was acting by broken heart. I am not trying to defend myself. I am sure most of us will do similar things and stop on some stage. I needed so badly to be in any kind of contact with her (as I am today), but you can’t go on endlessly with one way communication. That week I took time of from the office, trying to calm down but it was not to be, because on the top of everything I start receiving emails with her name on the sender account, telling me how she loves me, how she wants to talk with me. I am not sure who sending these emails, but must be some very nasty and sick person. There are not so many who know what’s going on – I think it’s someone very close. I did not react for two weeks, than I send her copies of these emails, telling her that I know that she is not a person who sending them, but she have to be aware what’s going on. Than, again, an hour later, he called for a second time. This time he threatens me with police if I send another email, or contact her anyhow. What really hearts me is – that call was done with her knowledge and I can’t forget him yelling on me with a trace of triumph in his voice...and she was standing somewhere close. What were you are thinking at that moment Dado? That’s was not fair Dado. I can understand that guy. He feels threatened and he pushed her to react -any way. I don’t know will I do something different? Probably I will not call that person, but I will urge her to finish whatever it is, as I done in the past with her ex boyfriend and that lasted for a long, long time. I don’t think there is a place for him to do things like that. That is not a protections of someone for whom you care, this is a solidifying your positions with her using someone else.
So, why she did it? I think she can be sometime very irrational when she is under the pressure or when she is scared or pushed. She tends leaving to someone else to do what she is supposed to do. Anyway I don’t think that was fair from her, I do not deserve to be treated as some stalker because I was never. I also know when she calms down she will realise that was not a way to do it. I am not mad on her. No, we all do mistakes and because of mistakes I am writing this instead of being somewhere else.
I don’t have any contact with her, not because what he said, but because she allowed him to do that, and I still receiving this nasty emails…almost every second day. I hope that person will one day realise and stop sending it, because there is no fun for anyone. There is a new one on my screen – I love you.
Next post – Tuesday/Wednesday
13 May 2007
Dado – The treatment
Since I stop my treatment, I (think) start seeing more clearly what’s going around me and in me. Questions are popping up on the surface, without clear answer leading me toward relief or closure. Very often, I am wondering why I think and feel this way. Is my love toward her an illusion of weak a man who likes to produce dreams and than look for some miracle to make them real. Did I build her image without any connections with reality around us or is all what have happened in the past (our split) a great set of misunderstanding and miscommunications? Do I pity myself and hang on something that does not exist at all? Is she so immerse in her needs that she does not see what’s going around her or she to frighten/unwilling now to reverse any of her steps because of mistakes she done in the past and she don’t want to repeat something done to me with some one else. The questions still popping up, more and more. It’s not easy. On the other hand, I think I know her. I can explain why she acted the way she acted in some situations. She is nice, but also a bit insecure person (we all are more or less), who needs a constant assurances and something to hold on, no matter how short that will be and consequently not able to see how that is not a right solution, as that relationship she has at the moment. She always had some plans for us. She wanted a gala wedding ceremony, I did not mind what kind of ceremony it will be longest we are happy. She wanted me to move to her place. I was afraid to do that because I will expose all my pain and consequence of the treatment. I did not trust in her abilities to accept the grimness of my illness. I was in some kind of semi hiding, keep asking, almost begging - give me some time, I need to get out of the treatment and start to be normal.
I did want marry her, but I wanted to feel better, especially because I had sings of improvement and stoped spiting a blood during the nights. I told her that I will move at her place at beginning of the 2007 when my daughters will move out so we can leave the house. She did not understand my uneasiness because of the conditions, and my fear of her seeing me with blood splattered over my face and my irregular vomiting. It’s not a pleasant picture. I did not want that our marriage ceremony finish as a bloody disaster. I was afraid to go out with her, I told her about it, but she did not listen, she taught that I am avoiding her, closing myself. Part of that was a true, but when you are in the hospital you share life stories of people around you. They start to be a part of me and when you noticed someone is missing…than you ask yourself are you the next. The fear is sometimes everything what you have through the day. No hope, no smile and you can’t see the reality of people around you. I am sorry.
I think, I told already that during the day, I am more or less fine; I could work almost without big problems. I had nausea sometimes and after treatments, sometimes I will come very pale. My colleagues are noticed the change. I also lost a lot of my weight and I did not talk with them as much I was in the past, but in this society almost everyone mind his own business and don’t care much about others, longest it does not interrupt or obstacle their lives. No matter how that is bad thing, it suited me well. No real questions asked. I don’t know how long I will be able to work. Probably for a next few months, maybe month or two longer…and than…I don’t know. I will finish in a hospital for good and that will be the end.Usually I will meet her toward the end of the day. At that time of the day I was almost out of any strength. I hardly could talk, walk and all I wanted is to lay and hug her, embracing myself in her. Sometime, later during the evening, we will passionately make love. It was painful and reliving at same time and after she will go for home. I will stay in bed, sometime on verge of crying because of pain and the fear of what will tomorrow bring. Very often I couldn’t do much, all I wanted is listen her voice and feel her presence around me. Nothing else. I am so confused without real answer in me. I just don’t want to continue this way anymore.
Next post – Monday/Tuesday
I did want marry her, but I wanted to feel better, especially because I had sings of improvement and stoped spiting a blood during the nights. I told her that I will move at her place at beginning of the 2007 when my daughters will move out so we can leave the house. She did not understand my uneasiness because of the conditions, and my fear of her seeing me with blood splattered over my face and my irregular vomiting. It’s not a pleasant picture. I did not want that our marriage ceremony finish as a bloody disaster. I was afraid to go out with her, I told her about it, but she did not listen, she taught that I am avoiding her, closing myself. Part of that was a true, but when you are in the hospital you share life stories of people around you. They start to be a part of me and when you noticed someone is missing…than you ask yourself are you the next. The fear is sometimes everything what you have through the day. No hope, no smile and you can’t see the reality of people around you. I am sorry.
I think, I told already that during the day, I am more or less fine; I could work almost without big problems. I had nausea sometimes and after treatments, sometimes I will come very pale. My colleagues are noticed the change. I also lost a lot of my weight and I did not talk with them as much I was in the past, but in this society almost everyone mind his own business and don’t care much about others, longest it does not interrupt or obstacle their lives. No matter how that is bad thing, it suited me well. No real questions asked. I don’t know how long I will be able to work. Probably for a next few months, maybe month or two longer…and than…I don’t know. I will finish in a hospital for good and that will be the end.Usually I will meet her toward the end of the day. At that time of the day I was almost out of any strength. I hardly could talk, walk and all I wanted is to lay and hug her, embracing myself in her. Sometime, later during the evening, we will passionately make love. It was painful and reliving at same time and after she will go for home. I will stay in bed, sometime on verge of crying because of pain and the fear of what will tomorrow bring. Very often I couldn’t do much, all I wanted is listen her voice and feel her presence around me. Nothing else. I am so confused without real answer in me. I just don’t want to continue this way anymore.
Next post – Monday/Tuesday
11 May 2007
Dado – The age difference (illness)
I know that look of the first reaction when I mention how much older I am than her, especially if you are a “standard” product of the society. The age difference between us is more that 20 years. When I met her she just passed her mid twenties and I was in my late forties. I don’t think there is anything sinister about her age; she was not a teenager or a kid. She was young women with a few relationships behind her and I was a divorced man with two almost grown up daughters on their way to start university studies, living with me.At start, I was the one who had a “problem” with our age difference. She did not have almost any. There is no question about did I liked her before we start our official dating. Yes I did, but that was not a sexual fantasy of middle age man. I just liked her smile, her eyes, the ways she walk, talk and the "aura" of her presence. I never dreamed or phantasies about making a love with her. I did not dare suggest something like that (a date), always thinking about our dating as a very remote possibility despite some encouraging signs from her. Took me a long time to pick up the courage and ask for the date, and that was nerve braking experience for me. I had my doubts in the begging why she is with me…the money was not issue, because she was very independent person (she very soon start earning more than me) and she did not look for the father because she had one, so gradually I start to relax and accept the love as it is. Her friends and ex boyfriend were harassing her because of her relationship. I can write off her ex boyfriend because I think; it was a control issue and jealousy combined, without any importance with who she is, but most of her friends were not at easy when I was around. I could sense that. Despite politeness and smiles there was always a level of tension when we will arrive. It was hard for us, because both of us were very social persons and not be able to share time with others was very difficult, maybe a bit more for her, so most of the time we were alone. We knew that is a problem so we start thinking about putting an advertisement in the local paper, asking for couples with similar issues us we have, to join or meet us and start friendship. We never had done that. I can’t recall why. I think that was one of the biggest mistakes. Our relationship was branded from the society from the very beginning. It was very cruel. If you are a standard product of this society with double standards and hypocrisy as a part of it, than you will not understand that love is not so much omitted by age, but firstly by emotional maturity. My daughters did not mind her, they were happy because I was happy and that was good for me. They have their doubts about the longevity of our relationship but how time passed she was more and more member of our/my family. I did not want to tie the knot until my daughters finish their studies. She did not understand my reluctance to do it. I felt responsibility and love toward my daughters and I wanted to give them a maximum security after so many hard years we had in our lives and we were a new immigrants. I taught Dado can wait for a few years and it starts looking that she is “happy” to accept that. I am not sure any more if that was a case.Her parents did not want to contact me almost for two years, but after our first, very tense encounter during the dinner in the city, things start to improve, and I was more and more welcome guest at their place. I knew they are not entirely happy with my age, but at least they respected her daughter love. I am very grateful for what they did.Than on the top of everything come my illness and from that moment, things gradually started rolling down. Now, when I stoped my treatment and start getting out of that “chemotherapy fog” (and consequence of it), I think, I can see some situations more clear, but I am not sure how much I am subjective. It hurts remembering how people can be cruel just because we do not belong to the standard stereotype. We never harmed anyone, but we were harmed by refusal to accept us by whom we are. I know there are quite a few happy people around with our split. Am I bitter because of that? No, I am just sad, seeing how people blind themselves with prejudice and harm others but constantly preaching the “good will”.
Next post – Saturday/Sunday
Next post – Saturday/Sunday
10 May 2007
Dado - Crystal
It is hard to write about own past, without asking – could you do things differently if you have another chance. Do I have a hope? Yes, I do. Do I have any chances that she will come back – very, very slim, almost impossible! So, why I have that hope? Maybe because I love her, maybe because I think that her present relationship is a runaway from problems I presented her with my illness and she will realise that.
We have always argued about spirituality and what that should be or what that is. I am talking about the new age spiritual movement and all other things related to that. I have some knowledge about things related to that area of spiritualty, and also some abilities to recognise and sense things; abilities to help others to pinpoint their bad spots and also cure some illness (or unbalances how “professionals” describe that), but when come to myself I was blinded/blocked with my feelings, expectations and desire to protect her, so I was not able to see what’s going on in me. These one who have that ability will understand how it’s hard to exclude your own projections.
I am not talking about illness per se, but about how I reacted to it and closed myself. I was not willing to show and share the pain. Life must go on – it was my motto but also, I was ashamed of tubes around me and people with pain who shared a same room in the hospital during the treatment sessions. I taught it will scare her because she was looking for stability and security, and these rooms, and these sessions can’t offer something like that. She did not understand that, and she was not able to recognise my fear and I was not able to do more.I never used my gift to heal or see some things for a wider circle. I only used it for my closest family members, for her and her parents; because I was never sure if this is a sort of placebo or this is real me and love for other person and whatever comes out of that.
For me (spirituality) it was a quite different thing than for her. I did not like buying some crystals to enhance your happiness, health, or make your place better place to live in. I always argued with her, if you don’t have “crystal” in yourself; there is nothing outside to give you anything else than illusion. You have to work on yourself, and make yourself “a crystal”, to avoid an illusion and not live in the fake reality of your dreams, as maybe I am doing now and not being fully aware of it.I do believe in love and will always believe. Ability to love is the best gift you can have. I am not talking about physical love and/or having a sex. That’s a part of it and no matter how beautiful it is (and it was with her), it shouldn’t be the main source of relationship. I can remember making love with her and joy of being with her, but the biggest joy for me was always and will be a simple hug with warm smile when I see her. That hug and that smile kept me alive for the first two years of illness. I do not pray. Maybe I should, but I always believed that everyone have an ultimate responsibility toward others and self. Believing in something is nice thing, it makes your life easier, but on the very end, there is no one else to carry the burden than self. I have decided to stop my treatment because I do not see any point with proceeding with it. Nothing will change my mind, apart of her return, but as I said, it is highly unlikely. I know this is sort of slow suicide; you can call it what ever you want – a runaway, cowardice or something third, and I won’t argue with any of it, but this is my decision because at least, I can choose my end. Writing this, I am not looking for any support to stay alive, believe me that. I told her in the one of our last conversations, how I will not proceed with my treatments because she is not with me, than I realised – that can be an emotional blackmail, so I never, ever mention it again. There is no one else who should know this anyway. There is silence in me, only occasionally interrupted with some illusive hope and beautiful memories. It rain outside.
Next post Friday/Saturday
We have always argued about spirituality and what that should be or what that is. I am talking about the new age spiritual movement and all other things related to that. I have some knowledge about things related to that area of spiritualty, and also some abilities to recognise and sense things; abilities to help others to pinpoint their bad spots and also cure some illness (or unbalances how “professionals” describe that), but when come to myself I was blinded/blocked with my feelings, expectations and desire to protect her, so I was not able to see what’s going on in me. These one who have that ability will understand how it’s hard to exclude your own projections.
I am not talking about illness per se, but about how I reacted to it and closed myself. I was not willing to show and share the pain. Life must go on – it was my motto but also, I was ashamed of tubes around me and people with pain who shared a same room in the hospital during the treatment sessions. I taught it will scare her because she was looking for stability and security, and these rooms, and these sessions can’t offer something like that. She did not understand that, and she was not able to recognise my fear and I was not able to do more.I never used my gift to heal or see some things for a wider circle. I only used it for my closest family members, for her and her parents; because I was never sure if this is a sort of placebo or this is real me and love for other person and whatever comes out of that.
For me (spirituality) it was a quite different thing than for her. I did not like buying some crystals to enhance your happiness, health, or make your place better place to live in. I always argued with her, if you don’t have “crystal” in yourself; there is nothing outside to give you anything else than illusion. You have to work on yourself, and make yourself “a crystal”, to avoid an illusion and not live in the fake reality of your dreams, as maybe I am doing now and not being fully aware of it.I do believe in love and will always believe. Ability to love is the best gift you can have. I am not talking about physical love and/or having a sex. That’s a part of it and no matter how beautiful it is (and it was with her), it shouldn’t be the main source of relationship. I can remember making love with her and joy of being with her, but the biggest joy for me was always and will be a simple hug with warm smile when I see her. That hug and that smile kept me alive for the first two years of illness. I do not pray. Maybe I should, but I always believed that everyone have an ultimate responsibility toward others and self. Believing in something is nice thing, it makes your life easier, but on the very end, there is no one else to carry the burden than self. I have decided to stop my treatment because I do not see any point with proceeding with it. Nothing will change my mind, apart of her return, but as I said, it is highly unlikely. I know this is sort of slow suicide; you can call it what ever you want – a runaway, cowardice or something third, and I won’t argue with any of it, but this is my decision because at least, I can choose my end. Writing this, I am not looking for any support to stay alive, believe me that. I told her in the one of our last conversations, how I will not proceed with my treatments because she is not with me, than I realised – that can be an emotional blackmail, so I never, ever mention it again. There is no one else who should know this anyway. There is silence in me, only occasionally interrupted with some illusive hope and beautiful memories. It rain outside.
Next post Friday/Saturday
07 May 2007
Dado - can't reach you
She prayed – it wasn’t my religion
She ate – it was not my food
She spoke – it wasn’t my language
She dressed – it wasn’t what I wore
She took my hand – it wasn’t the color of mine
But when she laughed – it was how I laughed
And when she cried – it was how I cried
There are wounds that do not heal with time. I am sure about that. Sometimes they are less painful, sometimes they overwhelm you and sometimes they are in hiding, waiting for the right moment to surface. I couldn’t sleep last night because she was present, she was there, but I couldn’t reach her.
After so many years together, she starts to be a part of me, like my eyes, hands and being without her I do not feel complete. I feel like amputated, missing a vital part of me and on the other hand, I know these one who were amputated can feel their missing part for the rest of their life. I think I can understand myself why I am giving up and why I can’t forget her. Saying she is part of me, I know it sounds so dramatic, but those one of you who had that feeling of love, will understand the pure meaning of that word. I do believe, if you really love someone, than you are not able to forget that person, even if that person is now with someone else, and it does not matter why and how break up happen. I can’t hate, I can put myself aside, I can be angry as most of us, but that does not last long. That is not part of me.
I was always sure how I will be among this one who will manage to get out and stay alive; because of her and my resilience. Every week there were some new faces and awareness of missing ones. I have been in so many lives through the treatment, stories of hope, love and despiser. Always, always I have tried to encourage my fellow sufferers. For me, the exit was somewhere, not sure where, but it was there and I was going toward it without clearly seeing it. I was going toward her
The path was not clear and my mood was not always good. I did not want to share my pain and fear. I taught I will put away her because she will be scared and not able to see our future. The late signs were good and I start opening toward her but it was late. Now they call that something as – Chemotherapy fog – but I think it is far more complex than this initial finding. I am not looking for excuse. I am looking for the answer I do not have, and I can’t reach her.
When I started my treatment three years ago, for the first time I start realising the full meanings of Dante’s words - Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate. Now, when it’s too late, I can accept and fully understand this quote.
Next post - Tuesday/Wednesday
She ate – it was not my food
She spoke – it wasn’t my language
She dressed – it wasn’t what I wore
She took my hand – it wasn’t the color of mine
But when she laughed – it was how I laughed
And when she cried – it was how I cried
There are wounds that do not heal with time. I am sure about that. Sometimes they are less painful, sometimes they overwhelm you and sometimes they are in hiding, waiting for the right moment to surface. I couldn’t sleep last night because she was present, she was there, but I couldn’t reach her.
After so many years together, she starts to be a part of me, like my eyes, hands and being without her I do not feel complete. I feel like amputated, missing a vital part of me and on the other hand, I know these one who were amputated can feel their missing part for the rest of their life. I think I can understand myself why I am giving up and why I can’t forget her. Saying she is part of me, I know it sounds so dramatic, but those one of you who had that feeling of love, will understand the pure meaning of that word. I do believe, if you really love someone, than you are not able to forget that person, even if that person is now with someone else, and it does not matter why and how break up happen. I can’t hate, I can put myself aside, I can be angry as most of us, but that does not last long. That is not part of me.
I was always sure how I will be among this one who will manage to get out and stay alive; because of her and my resilience. Every week there were some new faces and awareness of missing ones. I have been in so many lives through the treatment, stories of hope, love and despiser. Always, always I have tried to encourage my fellow sufferers. For me, the exit was somewhere, not sure where, but it was there and I was going toward it without clearly seeing it. I was going toward her
The path was not clear and my mood was not always good. I did not want to share my pain and fear. I taught I will put away her because she will be scared and not able to see our future. The late signs were good and I start opening toward her but it was late. Now they call that something as – Chemotherapy fog – but I think it is far more complex than this initial finding. I am not looking for excuse. I am looking for the answer I do not have, and I can’t reach her.
When I started my treatment three years ago, for the first time I start realising the full meanings of Dante’s words - Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate. Now, when it’s too late, I can accept and fully understand this quote.
Next post - Tuesday/Wednesday
06 May 2007
Dado
I seem to be disappearing bit by bit, every day, every minute. I am aware of it; I am not sure if anyone else can see that and I am not sure will she ever know that. I am not sure if that now matter.
I have started a blog, a week ago and than deleted it. I deleted because I taught, I will also delete a memory of her, but that does not work that way. I realised, this is the only way I can eventually reach her, talk with her and despite I cancelled my chemotherapy treatment; this is a sort of life line for me. I can’t talk with her, I can’t send emails to her and of course, I can’t see her.
I have no curage to do it openly; because of her…because of me…and people around us, because, I am afraid they will not be able to understand the circumstances, our age difference and my terminal illness without judging her or me…or us but somehow I have to say loudly as I can - how much I miss her and how much I love her.
I can’t keep all my emotions in me, because they are bursting. This is, no matter how it my sound funny, the only way I can talk with her and maybe help myself. I have no clue will she ever open this pages, read and understand what’s going on, definitely I am not writing for anyone’s sympathy or some understanding.
The English language is not my first language and I do not have her to go trough the text and correct it, and I do not trust my writings (and feelings) to anybody else, so it will be as it is – very confused, maybe pathetic but it will be me as I am at the moment and will be for a long time.
Her and my name is not important. We have our nicknames, given to each other as our secret and don’t ask for more, I can’t say more than that, I don’t want to expose her, because after all she have a right to be private and I hope – to be happy no matter what I think of her present situation and why she is in it.
All I have at the moment is an illusive hope, how all between us is one big, painful misunderstanding and after while, she will understand what all is about, but as I said; this is an illusive hope and I have nothing else to hang on. Yes, I am a man, and they are not supposed to cry, they are supposed to go on and move on and be a man. I see all this differently, despite almost every one will tell me the very same thing; she is not the only one at this world. That is maybe a truth for most of you, but for me she was the anchor to this world - I loved her and I love her.
I will write this, trying to find why and how and despite that will not change much (if anything at all); it might bring a sort of closure for her for me or maybe for us.
I had another long night behind me.
Next post – Monday/Tuesday
I have started a blog, a week ago and than deleted it. I deleted because I taught, I will also delete a memory of her, but that does not work that way. I realised, this is the only way I can eventually reach her, talk with her and despite I cancelled my chemotherapy treatment; this is a sort of life line for me. I can’t talk with her, I can’t send emails to her and of course, I can’t see her.
I have no curage to do it openly; because of her…because of me…and people around us, because, I am afraid they will not be able to understand the circumstances, our age difference and my terminal illness without judging her or me…or us but somehow I have to say loudly as I can - how much I miss her and how much I love her.
I can’t keep all my emotions in me, because they are bursting. This is, no matter how it my sound funny, the only way I can talk with her and maybe help myself. I have no clue will she ever open this pages, read and understand what’s going on, definitely I am not writing for anyone’s sympathy or some understanding.
The English language is not my first language and I do not have her to go trough the text and correct it, and I do not trust my writings (and feelings) to anybody else, so it will be as it is – very confused, maybe pathetic but it will be me as I am at the moment and will be for a long time.
Her and my name is not important. We have our nicknames, given to each other as our secret and don’t ask for more, I can’t say more than that, I don’t want to expose her, because after all she have a right to be private and I hope – to be happy no matter what I think of her present situation and why she is in it.
All I have at the moment is an illusive hope, how all between us is one big, painful misunderstanding and after while, she will understand what all is about, but as I said; this is an illusive hope and I have nothing else to hang on. Yes, I am a man, and they are not supposed to cry, they are supposed to go on and move on and be a man. I see all this differently, despite almost every one will tell me the very same thing; she is not the only one at this world. That is maybe a truth for most of you, but for me she was the anchor to this world - I loved her and I love her.
I will write this, trying to find why and how and despite that will not change much (if anything at all); it might bring a sort of closure for her for me or maybe for us.
I had another long night behind me.
Next post – Monday/Tuesday
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